


a bouquet of my pain

by forgive_me_not



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Fictional Disease, Flowers, Hanahaki Disease, I'm figuring this out as I go, It gets better I swear, M/M, Pain, Slow Burn, Sort Of, assholes in love, feelings denial, i guess, mentions of dying and surgeries, no beta we die like men, swearing bc gavin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-08-29
Packaged: 2019-06-15 16:35:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15417090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forgive_me_not/pseuds/forgive_me_not
Summary: He could have screamed. Cried and thrown a tantrum. Flinged all his belongings at the wall, and broken everything within a five-foot radius. Punched someone until they started bleeding, and then cried himself to sleep on the kitchen floor.But it wouldn't have changed the fact that he was still dying for the android.Translation to Russian availablehere!Translation to Chinese availablehere!





	1. Purple

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This is my first fic on here, and more importantly, my first more serious fic in the English language. I am sorry for any spelling mistakes or weird sentences, I'm trying.
> 
> But anyway, here is a story about a broken detective, an almost-broken robot, and love that kills.

It started on a Friday evening.

  
Gavin had been working late. He was closing off a case finally solved after weeks of overtime, and although he usually liked to loudly complain while filling out paperwork, he just didn't have the mental, nor physical strength to say anything this time. He had spent the past couple weeks downing one coffee after the other, sitting in front of his computer, or standing around in stinking alleyways watching an android lick traces of things he didn't even want to know the origin of, all the while Fowler was metaphorically breathing down his neck. Fucking red ice, man. At this point, it was _everywhere_. And he, somehow, had to stop it before it could spread outside Michigan.

  
And apparently, he somewhat succeeded; he and his team somehow managed to take down an entire drug cartel, that shipped red ice and other highly dangerous narcotics all over Detroit City. It cost him a quick trip to the ER and his favorite jeans, but he survived, and that's all that mattered.

  
But as he was sitting there, trying to figure out what the fuck the jumbled test on his terminal screen even meant, he kind of regretted staying alive. Every single particle of him was screaming in agony. His neck was so sore, he wasn't sure how it was even holding his head up still. Maybe he was entering the final stages of sleep deprivation and on the brink of passing out. He couldn't bring himself to care.

  
"Detective."

  
A gentle voice called out to him, so he glanced up. A tall figure was standing next to his desk, six-feet-something of crisp clothes and neat hair. In his hands, there was a polyfoam cup.

  
"Oh my fuck, Richard, you are a blessing." The words came out as an exhausted growl. He was almost surprised by himself, but in the end, he just decided to reach for the cup. The android named Richard stared down at him, his piercing, grey eyes - quite literally - scanning Gavin' face. Gavin took a big gulp out of the cup and immediately frowned. "This isn't coffee."

  
"Certainly," nodded the android strictly, as he watched Gavin sniff at the mysterious liquid. "It's chamomile and jasmine tea, good for calming the nerves and relaxing the body."

  
"Yeah, except I can't fucking relax until I'm done with this shit," Gavin pointed out, gesturing to the open documents on his computer. Richard didn't spare a glance at the screen.

  
"I've consulted with Captain Fowler on the matter. Detective, you haven't properly slept in the past week, and with the kind of injury you got recently, it is substantial you have enough rest." Richard looked Gavin straight in the eyes, his cold gaze sending shivers down the detective's arm. "The Captain lets you go for the weekend. I can fill out the rest of the forms."

  
Gavin stared at the android. If this had happened a month earlier, or maybe even if he wasn't this exhausted, he would have insisted upon staying and finishing everything himself, just to prove that he is able to - but now, warm herb tea in hand, looking up at his mechanic partner, it was _so easy_ to just accept. And really, after everything they've been through, how could he just assume Richard is just trying to play him?

  
"You downloaded yourself some kindness?" he said finally, after twenty solid seconds of silence. The joke did a particular thing to Richard's face; it made one corner of his mouth twitch upward in a sloppy half-smile. Gavin's throat suddenly ran dry.

  
"I've ordered you a taxi," Richard said, and sparingly put a hand on Gavin's back, like gently patting it, but with almost no pressure whatsoever. "It's waiting for you outside."

  
Gavin got up, still dazed. _What just happened?_

  
"Get a good night's rest, Detective," Richard said, that little smile still on his lips. "You've earned it."

  
And with that, he turned and headed out of the office. Gavin dragged his jacket on (it was a very cold February night, after all), and stumbled out of the building.

  
There were almost no people around; everyone was either at home, on the field or having dinner. The receptionist android gave Gavin a curt nod, but the man could not care less; he felt extremely shitty all of a sudden.

  
A vaguely familiar ache scratched his chest from the inside. Gavin tried to take a deep breath of the cold air outside, but something seemed to get stuck in his throat. He had to stop and put a hand on the wall next to him, as he started violently coughing.

  
He could see the taxi Richard talked about, patiently waiting for him on the side of the road, without a driver. He could just get in. But when he tried to do just that, his body bent over on its own, and a cruel, bitter taste spread in his mouth. It more and more felt like something got stuck in his throat - his lungs, aching for a breath of air, tried to force it out.

  
The bitter, grassy taste intensified in his mouth, and something soft and very foreign found its way to his tongue. He gasped for air and put his fingers in his mouth, trying to fish out whatever it was that made him almost suffocate like that. He had to look closely in the dark, to identify the little things that stuck to his hand.

  
A bunch of tiny, deep purple flowers.

  
No.

 

No, no, no, not this, not now, _no_.

  
" _Fuck._ " Really the best word to describe his situation; and that was it, everything that came to his drained brain, as he somehow stumbled his way to the taxi and collapsed to the backseat.

  
The petals were still on his palm, so he tried rubbing them to his jeans. His stomach was turning and twisting with all kinds of anxiety and disgust and fear. His lungs were still heaving, sore and numb, but he knew, if this was what he thought it was, he knew it was only going to get oh, so much worse. His thoughts were all across the place, running along paths he didn't wish to see.

  
It was truly, deeply terrifying.

  
As the taxi drove silently through the night, Gavin's mind ran completely blank.

 

***

 

Gavin woke up on his bed, still in his clothes. There was a half-empty box of aspirin on his nightstand, and a glass, still halfway filled with water. His head was hurting like a bitch, his chest heavy with something - how did he get home last night? Did he drive here? What did he even do last night...?

  
He remembered working at his terminal - that's right, he was filing paperwork - and he was very tired, and then Richard came by...

  
His lungs itched, and it clicked. Gavin sat up suddenly, like a clown popping out of a music box, and stared down at himself. Tiny little dying flowers were drying on his jeans, petite purple spots decorating the fabric.

  
Oh, fuck.

  
His stomach twisted, and he jumped out of bed. He almost fell to his face as he ran to the bathroom, just to grab the sink and stare at his reflection in the smudged mirror. A set of bloodshot eyes with heavy bags under them stared back at him. His hair was unkempt and his stubble like a week old. He looked just like he felt like; complete and utter shit.

  
He put a hand on his chest. If this was what he thought it was - no, it couldn't be. He wasn't in love with anyone. He would know, right?

  
His throat itched and he started coughing, spitting a whole bunch of tiny flowers into the sink. Gasping for air, Gavin decided that he somehow did fall in love with someone. How the fuck could that even happen?

  
Was it... Tina? No, no way - the gal was one of the few people Gavin actually tolerated, but there was no way in hell he would fall for her. Was it like, some other colleague? There was no one really that didn't hate him, or that he didn't hate - no one except for Choi and maybe Richard, but...

  
_...Richard._

  
Oh, fuck. Richard, Ex-fucking-Machina himself, six feet of monochrome clothing and resting bitchface. Even though he did come to tolerate the android due to some recent events, there was no way in hell he was in love with him. None.

  
But the lilacs pouring out of his mouth stated otherwise.

  
He could have screamed. Cried and thrown a tantrum. Flinged all his belongings at the wall, and broken everything within a five-foot radius. Punched someone until they started bleeding, and then cried himself to sleep on the kitchen floor.

  
But it wouldn't have changed the fact that he was still dying for the android.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! If you liked (or hated) it, please consider giving me some feedback - I'd love to hear your opinions!


	2. Violet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Lilacs originate from Europe and Asia, but now are also common all across North America. They're not only beautiful, but also incredibly fragrant, blossoming in the early days of spring, filling the warming nights with their strong, sweet smell.  
> These flowers are associated with trust the giver has for the receiver. In Victorian times, it also meant the giver wanted to remind the receiver of something - a lost love, a passion that once was, a flame that has died. Dark purple flowers symbolize concern, while lighter shades refer to a first love."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before I say anything else, I would love to thank you all for the overwhelmingly positive reaction the first chapter received, I'm so, so thankful for every kudo, bookmark and comment!! To be honest, at first I was kind of afraid my writing wouldn't meet AO3's standards, but you guys gave me quite the confidence boost, haha
> 
> Sorry this took a little time, I was on vacation and then had to edit the mess I wrote in the notes of my phone lmao. So here's the second chapter, in which Richard is a sweetheart, and Gavin is me (only angrier) on the subject of poufs.

There was a reason why Gavin Reed hated hospitals.

They were just too damn clean, too damn bright - brought back too many unpleasant memories. Being a cop and working on the field came with a buttload of injuries, ranging from sprained ankles and knuckle-bruises all the way to gunshot and stab wounds. He has been treated with all of the above and more, and none of them were too pleasant. He swears to this day, every time he walks into one of these sanitizer-smelling halls, all of his scars start hurting again.

So one can only imagine what it was like for Gavin, sitting in tense silence for over fifteen minutes, while the doctor in front of him (his name was something absurdly hard to pronounce, so he didn't even try) slowly read through his medical record on a tablet. After the fairly short examination, Gavin was sat down on a fucking pouf of all things, which was just the stupidest and least professional thing that was ever made to be sat on. He was absentmindedly twisting and stretching his fingers, glaring at the doctor, trying to finally get him to say something.

The doctor slowly looked at Gavin from above the thin lenses of his glasses.

"You have already undergone this surgery," God, was his voice freaky, "is that right, Mr. Reed?"

 _What the fuck were you reading until now_ , was what Gavin wanted to say, but he swallowed it, and gave a somewhat more civil answer:

"Yeah." The doctor looked down at his tablet, then back at Gavin.

"Say, do you smoke?"

  
"Does it matter?" Gavin held the doctor's gaze, then huffed. "Sometimes. 'M trying to quit."

  
"That's probably a smart idea," the doctor nodded as he slid his finger along the tablet's screen. "Considering that, sadly, I won't be able to put you on the surgery waiting list."

"You what?" The pit in Gavin's stomach filled with icy fear. "Why the fuck not?"

"Look, it's a very risky surgery, especially in given circumstances. Not a lot of people need it at your age, especially not for a second time..."

"Jesus fucking Christ," Gavin almost laughed. Almost. "You're a doctor! I'm sick! You should be able to help me!"

The doctor took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. He looked irritated, which pissed Gavin off even more. This guy should be doing his goddamn job!

"Look, Mr. Reed, there is no need to panic. This is stage one hanahaki disease. Even if I did decide to perform the surgery on you, I couldn't do it at least until it reached stage three, until then all it would do is damage your lungs even further. You'd do yourself a favor if you tried using some more traditional methods to maintain it. I can give you the number of a really good psychologist friend of mine, who could help you get over the lady, or give you a prescription for some of the newer weedkiller pills-..."

"You don't understand." For a second time in the last twenty-four hours, Gavin felt like he was going to vomit. This was bad, really bad. He couldn't let himself too deep in this – he couldn't die for someone he knew wouldn't be able to love him back.

  
"Of course," stated the doctor bitterly. "It's not like I've been on this field for twenty years. How could I ever understand?

  
Gavin clenched his hands into a fist, and stood up in a furious motion, almost knocking the pouf over. _Pouf, my fucking ass. That's the sound you make when you fucking fall off from it._ Without saying a word, he stormed towards the exit.

  
"Close the door on your way out!" he heard the doctor call out. He didn't bother.

 

***

Gavin slammed the door of his car shut and locked it on himself. He slammed his head against the steering wheel and repeatedly hit his palms on the panel, trying to punch out all the frustration and anger that was bubbling inside of him. All it did was made his hands and head hurt. He straightened back, the back of his head softly hitting the headrest.

  
That doctor spoke of it so easily, like people weren't choking on flowers on the daily - like Gavin couldn't just die, if he didn't do something about it. And that something? He had to do it urgently. He didn't want to fall deeper.

  
His phone buzzed in his pocket. He fished it out with a groan, and then squinted at the screen. The harsh, cold light illuminated the dim space, as the message appeared in Gavin's hands:

 

  
**From R2Dick2 at 2:24 pm:** I hope you're having a good rest, Detective Reed. Don't forget to stay hydrated, you have a tendency of forgetting such things when tired.

  
**From R2Dick2 at 2:25 pm:** And for the love of God, please refrain from caffeine- and tobacco consumption for a while.

  
**From R2Dick2 at 2:25 pm:** Also, don't move around too much, your stitches had only been recently removed, and we don't want you back in the hospital so soon.

 

  
Gavin propped his elbow against the window and then held his forehead with his hand. Reading hurt, and not even in a cheesy, metaphorical way - it literally made it physically hard to breathe, until he had to aggressively clear his throat. Fucking pathetic, the whole situation. Pathetic, how smitten he already was.

  
He didn't like any of this whole thing - none of it, starting with coughing up flowers all the way to having this ridiculous crush on his colleague and partner. It really shouldn't have come to this. And yet, somehow it did.  
Gavin cursed, started up the car, and stayed home all weekend.

 

***

 

It wasn't easy, getting up Monday morning and forcing himself to go in for work. He wasn't feeling great, but at least he wasn't miserable - staying in bed all weekend far away from his phone had a benefit of reducing violent coughs to general soreness of his throat. Now it just felt like he had a really bad cold, but simply knowing that it wasn't, made it all the worse.

  
The parking lot was almost full when he arrived, but some of his coworkers were still around. Most of them were talking to each other, having their morning coffee, sharing stories about their home life or the case they've been working on. They either didn't notice, or just didn't want to acknowledge Gavin. The man, as usual, shrugged it off. He was used to it. And, to be fair, he was indeed an asshole with most of them.

  
With hands in his pockets, he made his way to the Homicide Department. He found Richard already sitting at his desk, staring at a monitor and supposedly downloading something, judging by the android's rapidly blinking, yellow LED. Once he noticed Gavin, he looked up and gave him a small smile that was so soft, the man couldn't be sure if he just imagined it. Gavin cleared his throat, and fell down into his chair.

  
"'Sup," he croaked. Richard took a moment to answer, giving him an analyzing look, smile turning into a slight frown.

  
"Morning, Detective. Are you feeling better?"

  
"Yeah," lied Gavin, and averted his gaze from the other's face. "D'we have a case?"

  
"Yes. Captain Fowler insisted we take down the two other big drug cartels until the end of the month."

  
Gavin groaned. Richard continued on:

  
"The mayor is putting a lot of pressure on us, or, more specifically, him, so I understand his desire to speed things up. Although," Gavin could feel the android stare at him, "you do need to be careful. You can't pull the same stunt you did last time."

  
"Yeah, yeah," waved Gavin, and pulled up the case files Richard has sent over to him. But then Richard's fingers wrapped around his wrist, holding it firm. Gavin, without really meaning to, stared deep into the android's cold eyes.

  
"You have to promise me."

  
Gavin's chest felt tight, and his mouth ran dry again. If he listened hard enough, there was concern behind his partner's words - the thought made his heart throb unpleasantly against his ribcage.

  
"I promise," he said slowly. Richard immediately let go of him, but was still holding his gaze, expression unreadable. Gavin huffed, and tried to ignore the heat creeping up his neck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Richie is the overprotective mom friend, pass it on
> 
> Thank you for reading! I'm a little concerned about typos and dull descriptions (I'm not too familiar with other hanahaki fics, and also still not a native English speaker), so if you notice any mistakes, or just want to express your fondness of our trash man, please do yell at me in the comments!


	3. Pink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Pink lilacs are often associated with love and strong friendships."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hate editing so much

If Gavin had to pinpoint the exact moment that set this horrible mess into motion, he would think back to the night when he almost died. Again.

  
It happened about three weeks ago; by that time, Richard had been his partner for more than two months, and things have been going... alright. He wasn't exactly fond of this giant ass robot following him around all the time, making comments that made too much sense all the fucking time, but he wasn't as pissed at him like he was when Fowler assigned him. Because no matter how much Gavin wanted to hate this walking-talking-toaster, Richard didn't really give him much to go on - the man was deeply caring and infinitely patient in his own frigid, mechanic way. Even he wasn't that much of an asshole to still push the android around.

  
They were so close to finally ending the case that kept up Gavin all those nights. It even drove Richard to the edge, making him less talkative than usual, which meant spending hours with a perfectly silent android at his desk. It was unsettling, to say the least.

  
But as stated earlier, they were close now, closer than ever. Organizing a raid on the biggest red ice supplier in Detroit City-close. Chewing their nails off in a parking car-close. Waiting for a radio-call to barge in and arrest a bunch of people-close.

  
So Gavin was impatiently drumming with his fingers on the steering wheel, glancing at the android sitting next to him from time and time again. Richard's LED had been pulsing blue. Gavin wasn't sure what that meant, but it slightly reminded him of the siren of a police car. It was becoming a rare sight nowadays, with more and more androids deciding to take out the little glowing circles. It was kind of freaky, not being able to immediately tell if the person you're talking to is human or robot.

  
Gavin cleared his throat.

  
"Hey, um, so like, why didn't you take out your LED?"

  
Richard looked at him, seeming somewhat surprised at the question.

  
"That's a... rather personal topic," he said, almost hesitantly.

  
"Ah, you don't have to answer then..."

  
"No, it's fine," Richard shook his head. "I'm just pleasantly surprised that you feel comfortable with asking me such a question."

  
Gavin hummed. It's not like there would be any use in denying that he was growing... tolerant of the android. Still, he could feel heat crawling up his cheeks at the statement.

  
"I guess it's sort of a... reminder," mused Richard, as he turned to look out the window again. "My predecessor, the RK800 unit was designed specifically to deviate, so that CyberLife could have an inside to the android revolution - I was built to clean up the mess afterward. When Jericho had won the case over the androids still in possession of CyberLife, and they found me, you can only imagine how confused I was."

  
Gavin... didn't know this. _What the fuck._ The android continued on:

  
"Sometimes it's still hard, trying to just live. My programming had me in bounds that were really hard to break. But this," Richard placed a finger on his temple, "reminds me of what I was, and makes me think of what a long way I've already come. That I was able to change. And no matter how hard it gets, I'm still a living being now. With own thoughts, with own feelings, and with free will."

  
"Shit," Gavin simply said. He never really admitted it even to himself, but for once, he actually felt... somewhat touched. And fucking guilty, considering how shitty he treated the android - _every android_ \- for so long. Richard glanced at him, the ghost of an apologetic smile playing on his lips.

  
"I'm sorry, that was probably a bit, ah, cheesy, for your standards, Detective."

  
"'s alright," murmured Gavin, contemplating whether or not he should act on his newfound urge to apologize ( _"Would that be too out of character?"_ ), but before he could say anything else, the voice of a coworker chimed in the radio, and they were off.

  
Fast forward about an hour, and Gavin has been shot in the legs twice, thrown out a window and was now lying in a filthy alleyway. He was pretty sure there are worse deaths than this, even though it still wasn't clear whether he'd die because of hypothermia, or from bleeding out. Fuck, he couldn't move a muscle. If it wasn't for the intense, burning pain all over his body, he would have thought he's paralyzed. Or dead.

  
"Detective Reed!" a voice called out to him. He tried to shout "over here", but the only sound that left his lips was a pained, low growl. He heard footsteps echoing in the alleyway, then someone helped him sit up. He was met with two cool eyes, and a spinning yellow LED.

  
"Detective Reed," Richard grabbed the man's face and turned him towards himself. Gavin barely felt any of it. "An ambulance is on its way, just hold on a little longer."

  
Gavin looked at the android, then to the split piece of dark sky above them.

  
"D'dyou fuck 'em up?" he somehow managed to say in a sore voice. Richard blinked in confusion. Something similar to a smile tugged on the corners of his lips.

  
"Yes."

  
"Good boy." Gavin's hand somehow got a hold on the android's jacket, and grabbed it hard. "Fuck, it hurts," he hissed through gritted teeth.

  
The little blinking light in the corner of his vision turned red.

  
"I know," Richard murmured. "It's all going to be okay, I promise, hold on just a little while longer, please."

  
Gavin was going to, okay? He was. It's not like he hasn't been through worse. Two shots to his thighs were nothing to him after fourteen years of police work. He could handle it.

  
But then he passed out.

  
He woke up the next morning, in a hospital bed. The first thing he noted was that Richard was sitting next to his bed, eyes closed, LED glowing pale blue, possibly in energy saving mode or whatever. The second was that he was probably high on meds, considering that seeing the android made him feel strangely warm inside. Or maybe it was just the internal bleedings.

  
He glanced around the room, but found nothing noteworthy besides a bouquet of flowers on the bedside table. Some blue and purple little things, in a nice pot, accompanied by a card that Gavin could not read.

  
"Hydrangeas." Gavin almost jumped a little, as he snapped his gaze back at Richard, who was now awake, and also looking at him. "They're from Officer Chen. She wishes you a fast recovery, and also congratulated you on your success."

  
Gavin hummed, not really knowing what to say. He tried moving his toes. It sent a sharp pain through his entire left leg, but he could do it, at least. Which means no broken bones, somehow.

  
"The doctors say you were very lucky," said Richard, almost as if knowing what Gavin was thinking about. "You were shot in the leg twice, none of the bullets caused any significant damage. You fell out of a window from the second floor, and somehow only fractured a few ribs. All of this in twenty-nine degrees Fahrenheit..."

  
"What can I say," Gavin tried to grin. "I'm a tough cookie." His face twitched. "Also I hurt like a bitch, so I guess it wasn't that lucky after all."

  
"You deserve it, you know," Richard looked deeply in his eyes. "You really did scare me, barging in that place like an idiot."

  
Gavin blinked repeatedly, then cleared his throat.

  
"Yeah, I guess that wasn't really a smart idea."

  
Richard shook his head, and leaned forward until he was supporting his weight with his elbows on his knees. Gavin stared down at his hands.

  
"Thank you for, you know," he murmured. There was a little pause, and a small, subconscious part of Gavin's mind hoped it was because Richard had to fight back a smile.

  
"You're very much welcome, Detective Reed."

 

***

 

As the Captain requested, Gavin continued to work his ass off. For almost a week now, he's been diving into work, trying to bury his problems under paperwork and empty cups of coffee. He also started avoiding Richard like the plague, which was maybe the hardest part - not only was the android literally everywhere, he always gave Gavin this look, whenever the man was distant with him. This weird, confused frown, that made Gavin's stomach twist with guilt.

  
He also had been inhaling all types of weird shit he found online, that would allegedly kill the weeds in his lungs. Most of it had to do with vinegar and burnt coffee, which he was having none of, thank you very much. He soon went back to just drinking too bitter coffee, sitting at his desk, and being more grumpy than usual.

  
He knew everyone was noticing the change in his mood. If you work at a place full of detectives, it's hard to hide anything; and Gavin didn't even try with his obviously crappy mood. People never really liked him, but now they started actively avoiding him, which was just worsening this already fucked-up situation. And the worst thing was, he didn't even see light at the end of this tunnel he was heading down in.

  
"Detective Reed."

  
_Fuck, not this shit again._

  
"What do you want?" he growled, not even looking up. He could mentally picture Richard just pursing his lips together.

  
"The coroner's notice. She's done with the murdered drug-users that were found three days ago in Capitol Park. She wanted us to head over and take a look at the results ourselves."

  
"Could you go alone? I'm kinda busy right now."

  
Another beat of silence.

  
"Of course, Detective."

  
The android turned around and walked away. Gavin forced himself to not look after him. There was no emotion in Richard's voice, nothing out of the usual - and yet this whole thing made him feel like a really shitty person. Well, shittier than usual.

  
From the neighboring desk over, Hank looked up at him.

  
"Wow. You're really not going easy on the poor bastard."

  
"Shut up, Anderson, it's not like you treated your boy-toy any better," Gavin growled, and took a sip of his coffee. Hank eyed him for a long time, before finally speaking up:

  
"You two fucking?"

  
Gavin choked on his coffee. He spat it out, all over his desk, and started violently coughing. Hank was laughing at him, loud and harsh.

  
"Oh my god, you should have seen your face, Jesus Chris-..."

  
A handful of light pink lilacs poured to the desk, and Hank stopped laughing. Gavin cursed loudly, heaving for air, as he wiped the coffee and saliva off his mouth. He covered the flowers with his hand - he could only hope no one saw them beside the Lieutenant.

  
"Holy shit, Gavin," Hank was almost whispering, voice so much softer all of a sudden. He sounded... guilty. Taken aback. It made Gavin feel sick to the stomach. "I'm so sorry, fuck..."

  
"Don't you dare fucking pity me, Anderson," Gavin sneered, and picked the lilacs up with a paper tissue. He threw the little bag into the trashcan with too much force, and then tried to soak up the poured out coffee with another tissue. He could still feel the older man's eyes on him.

  
"Look, I know it's, like, none of my business, but-..."

  
"You're right, it's none of your fucking business," he interrupted rudely. "I got everything under control. Just... forget you even saw this."

  
"You're dying, Reed."

  
"What's it to you?"

  
He made eye contact with the man, harsh and long, hoping to get the message across; he did not need the other's sympathy. Hank raised his hands in submission after a couple of seconds, but something in his eyes told Gavin he still wasn't letting the subject go. And it pissed him off.

  
They sat in silence for about fifteen minutes. But then Anderson spoke again:

  
"You know, they do have feelings now."

  
Gavin snorted.

  
"Yeah, right. Because ever since you've got that puppy-eyed piece of junk slapped in your face, you've become a deviant _expert._ " Gavin shook his coffee cup. Almost empty. Great. "Stop pretending you know batshit about my problems, and kindly fuck off."

  
And off he went, to put his head under the bathroom sink and to try to calm his shaking hands down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Sorry for keeping this fairly slow-paced, I'm still figuring out the story as I go, please bear with me. At least we got a little bit more Richard (and a little Hank) in this! :D It might take me some time to get the next chapter out (i'm procrastinating writing by binging Jenna Moreci's all and every video hAH), so stay tuned!
> 
> Kudos make me happy, but comments make me happier - please, let me know what you think about the story so far!
> 
> /also i have no fucking clue where that bo burnham bit came from but i left it in because yolo, also i'm just too tired to rewrite this right now, maybe i'll edit it sometimes since i'm not 100% happy with all this/


	4. Lilac

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Lilac - this lighter shade of purple associated with someone's first love, or the first time one feels love for someone."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before we continue, I'd just like to say that your comments on the last chapter literally made me cry, I am so grateful for everyone who reads my crappy fantasies about human garbage and an android babi falling in love. You're just super sweet and make my heart melt and aaaa <3 <3

Two weeks and four days after Gavin Reed started coughing up flowers, he began questioning whether his life was going anywhere like this.

  
He was laying down on his bed, staring at the ceiling. Outside of his window snow was silently falling; Mother Nature once again decided to ignore the fact that it was March. It was a quiet night. No over-the-top parties, no loud sirens, even the traffic was keeping it down. And the calm allowed Gavin's thoughts to flow freely.  
It was beginning to be obvious, he wasn't getting any better like this. He tried every little trick and tip he could find to try to keep the flowers from suffocating him, but no matter how hard he tried, nothing seemed to work. His condition was only getting worse with each encounter he had with his partner, getting to a point where whenever Richard looked at him his breath hitched in an uncomfortable way.

  
_You know, they do have feelings now._

  
Hank's words echoed in his head over and over again. Maybe if he repeated them enough times, he would actually believe them. And trust me, he wanted to. It's just that he really couldn't. Even if androids did actually fall in love – what could someone like Richard possibly see in him? He was rude, loud and unpleasant to be around – Richard was tall, charming and good at everything he did. He was considerate and thoughtful, smart, one of the very few people who had the guts to shoot back at his insults. He had a smile that was hard to earn but could easily melt away those few remaining ice-caps. The man thought back to how his hand felt on Gavin's back, or on his face, big and warm and steady-...

  
Gavin groaned and turned to bury his face in his pillow. He felt like a fucking schoolgirl, crushing on some jock or something. Definitely not a state a 36-year-old man should be in. Especially in this scenario.

  
Really, there were two options before him; slow, or fast death.

  
If he does nothing about it, he will die in a few months, maybe weeks. He will suffer and most probably go mad because of it, until one day he either offs himself, or suffocates on the products of his own misery. If he does try to do something, like, I don't know, _confess_ – what if he gets rejected? That would be the end. Already diseased people who face a direct rejection are dead within days.

  
Gavin knew this too well.

  
This... illness disgusted him to the core. The only thing that could make him more furious were those lunatics who glorified it, like having your throat impaled with rose thorns, or suffocating on daffodils were something to behold. They said that loving someone so much you die is the most beautiful and meaningful thing a person can do. Gavin thought that was total and utter bullshit. If you love someone, truly love them, you live. For their sake.

  
And he loved Richard. Well... he thought he loved Richard. Guessed? Shit – it's been really long since he felt something even remotely similar to this. _Whatever_ this thing was, it scared him, and not only because it made him cough in the middle of each night until he was crying and reaching down his own throat to pull out torn heads of lilacs.

  
Gavin sat up, groaning loudly into the silence of the room. Fuck this, fuck _his life_ – he was doing perfectly fine without all these fucking feelings! He had a perfectly fine plan: living on instant ramen in the company of five cats until he died in some heroic way that would earn him a fancy funeral. But nooo, the universe just had to fuck Gavin Reed over like this.

  
Something dark and heavy hopped on his bed and meowed loudly. Gavin sighed, reaching towards the first (and at the moment, only) of said five cats. The cat made an ugly noise, and flashed his claws at his owner.

  
"Fuck you too," murmured Gavin under his breath, and got out of bed to search for comfort at the bottom of a Nutella jar.

 

***

 

Maybe it was his grim mindset that night, maybe the horrid amount of sugary chocolate paste he had consumed before falling asleep, but he had the most bizarre nightmare of his life that night. Whatever terrors he had lived through in it, they probably haunted him through his morning, because exactly at 7:36 am, as he was sipping away at his uncomfortably bitter coffee, he came to an equally bitter conclusion.

  
He had to try.

  
He wasn't going to roll around and let the universe step on him. He was Gavin Fucking Reed, and he didn't want to be toyed by whatever God has damned him with this fate. He had dignity, damn it! (At least, some of it.)

  
As he was getting all fired up in his imaginary speech, his phone started loudly playing Primadonna Girl on the kitchen counter. Gavin forced himself out of his fantasy world, and reached for the phone.

  
"What," he picked up. A woman sighed loudly on the other end. He could practically hear her rolling her eyes.

  
"Seriously, that's how you answer your phone, Reed? What if it was Captain McGrumpy, and..."

  
"I have a ringtone set for you, Tina."

  
"I know."

  
A pause. Gavin leaned against the counter.

  
"So? Why did you call me? Really, half an hour and I'm there, whatever shit you wanted to rant to me about could have waited-"

  
"That's exactly what I wanted to know," she cut in. She sounded like someone who was trying real hard to mask the worry in her voice. "You're seriously coming in?"

  
"Why wouldn't I?" That was a bit harsher than he had intended, but he wasn't in the mood of apologizing.

  
"You should stay home."

  
"Why?" Gavin repeated. Tina hesitated for just a second.

  
"Just, you looked real shitty in the past couple days. Like, don't take this the wrong way, you were fucking _pale_ and stuff. Chris said he heard you throw up in the bathroom."

  
"Chris is fucking delusional then. I'm fine."

  
Silence again. Gavin groaned.

  
"What now."

  
"Hank said..."

  
" _Oh my fucking god._ "

  
"No, hear me out. Hank said you have problems? But he was all mysterious about it, the whole thing was just freaky. I know you two despise each other, but, Gavin, really. If there's something going on in your life, that's making you react like this, you can tell me."

  
"Like Anderson would know," Gavin snorted. He threw his cup into the sink (gently, he didn't want to break it), and started looking for his keys. "I'm _fine,_ Tina." He tried sounding convincing, but it just came out tired. "See you in thirty."

  
He ended the call before she could react.

  
"I already gave you food," Gavin informed the black cat slaloming between his legs, and careful not to step on the animal, exited his flat. Outside the little bumps of snow that fell during the night were melting away, which was a pain in the ass, considering that it was going to freeze in the evening, making everything super slippery. He maneuvered to his car, trying to avoid getting his shoes soaked through.

  
He closed the doors of the car in on himself, but didn't ignite the engine yet. He took a shaky breath, and searched for his own gaze in the mirror above his head.

  
"Hey, uh, Rich," he tried saying to his reflection. It sounded fucking stupid. "Guess what, I like your dumb face – no, uhm. Hey, you make me sick! Fuck."

  
Gavin punched the steering wheel. If he was destined to die, he might as well just try getting over it.

 

***

 

The office was relatively quiet that morning. The androids working at the reception avoided his gaze. He vaguely remembered yelling at one of them a couple days earlier. He wanted his throat to be sore because of something he actually decided to do.

  
There was nothing out of the ordinary as he made his way towards his desk. He didn't see Richard anywhere - he hummed to himself, and decided to get a second coffee. If he was doing this, he needed to seriously get his shit together, and there was no way he was doing that with only one coffee in his shaky stomach.

  
There were loud voices coming from the break room. He recognized them as his coworkers' – even though he couldn't name them to save his life. There was another voice, deeper than the others, chuckling somewhat awkwardly. Gavin stopped, and listened to the sound. It felt somehow out of place. Like Richard – but not exactly. He realized he's never heard Richard laugh until now.

  
"Honestly, I can't wrap my head around it. How the fuck can you stand Reed?"

  
Gavin's entire body froze.

  
"Yeah," another person said, a woman this time. "All he does is insult people and look angry. Like, seriously. If I were you, I would have had enough of his bullshit a looong time ago."

  
"To be frank, he is really hard to deal with. He resembles a petty, child in most ways. Sometimes I truly do not understand why he does what he does."

  
It's not like that was news to Gavin. He knew very well how insufferable he can be, and especially with the recent events, the android had every right to say that. Yet still, his chest felt heavier and heavier after each word.

  
"I wouldn't necessarily call him insufferable, per se," Richard continued, "but he does make things unnecessarily hard at times. I just wish he wasn't so intolerant towards everyone and everything. Would it really kill him to be kind, or at least cooperative from time to time?"

  
Something dark and icy was filling Gavin's stomach, as he listened to his partner speak. Did he really think this? _Of_ course _he did, why would anyone-..._

  
"Hey, I know! Why don't you request to be reassigned? After all the shit he's pulled, Fowler would probably let you. Hell, I bet he'd even let you work alone!"

  
Gavin's heart was in his throat. Please don't say it. Please don't say it. _Please..._

  
"Yeah," he heard Richard say. "I think that would be the best for everyone."

  
There was laughter and loud chatter, but the words flew right over Gavin's head. He felt sick to the stomach, _how could he be such a fucking idiot,_ his knees were going to give out, the room was spinning, "Reed? Jesus, is everything okay?" someone asked and the noise in the breakroom instantly faded, but Gavin could not care less, he was already gone, covering his face with both hands and just trying to breathe, _breathe_.

  
He barely made it to the bathroom. After slamming the door of a stall in on himself, he bent over the toilet, and started vomiting up one bloody batch of flowers after the other.

  
Next day, he went back to the hospital and yelled at the doctors until he was up on the surgery waiting list.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plot thickens – well, not really, I just needed something to drag this out asdjsfsdéfdasjds  
> I am so, so, so sorry for making you wait so long on this chapter, and even more sorry for poking your eyes out (??? does that make sense in english?????) with this shitty and incredibly short installment – but now I have the last two chapters roughly written, and boy let me tell you, you guys are in for a treat :D  
> I'm also planning to go back and edit a few things that I'm only now noticing don't make sense, so there might be some teeny-tiny changes in the first three chapters.  
> If you want to make me weep tears of joy, please do yell at me in the comments this time also!
> 
> Ps.: I love Tina


	5. White

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The color white, among all things, represents purity and innocence, especially that of a child."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, uh, turns out this chapter also isn't so long, but I really couldn't make this any longer (it's poor planning, there's nothing i can really do about it now), but I swear next chapter's gonna make up to it. :D
> 
> Enjoy!

No matter how much Gavin felt like his life was over, the world didn't stop purely because he was suffering - he still had a job he had to take care of. Since he fled to lone work often to avoid having to talk to his partner, he made quite a progress of tracking down various drug suppliers all across town - now all they had to do was actually go after them and getting the fuckers behind bars. Easy. There was just one small problem with that.

  
He actually had to do that with Richard.

  
He still had over a week's time until the surgery, and he knew Fowler would rather kill him singlehandedly than to let him call in sick right now - they were absolutely loaded with red ice related cases, a thing they definitely didn't need on top of everything that was going down right now, with the city slowly adjusting to the recently passed android laws.

  
"Your vitals show signs of extreme stress," the android's voice broke the uncomfortable silence. The way he spoke was careful ever since the little incident yesterday, which made Gavin wonder if he knew he overheard their conversation. Although, Richard didn't say or do anything that would directly reference it, so Gavin just dismissed the thought with a frown. Not that it mattered anyway. He tightened the straps of his bulletproof vest.

  
"I'm fine," he snarled. He wasn't looking at Richard, but could still feel his gaze on himself.

  
"Such levels of mental tension might lead to your body to be unresponsive in certain situations, and your reflexes growing hyper-sensitive. Detective, going into a dangerous mission, I insist you-"

  
" _Oh my god,_ would you just shut up?" Gavin snapped, and slammed the door of his locker. The sound echoed through the changing room of the DPD. Richard fell into silence, even though his want to say something hung in the air. Gavin gritted his teeth.

  
Eight days. Eight days, and this would be over.

 

***

 

Gavin remembered sneaking out of his room before dawn as a kid. He would go to the garden, lie in the grass, look at the stars fade away and the sun slowly soaking through the dark velvet of the night. He would watch the morning glories slowly untwirl as the streaks of golden light kissed them awake, the warm colors clashing with the mesmerizing purples of the silky petals. He thought them beautiful.

  
Until one day, they started growing in his lungs.

  
It was the first time he had truly felt pain. Incapable of moving, of breathing. Every time he tried to gasp for air it just hurt more and more, and it was unbearable, he just wanted it to end. He wanted it to end.

  
It was the first time he had truly felt scared. Mortified to his bones, of more pain, of death. Of falling asleep and never waking up. He screamed, spread out on the table, but the sounds never left his lips.

  
It was the first time he had felt truly empty.

  
He didn't mind.

 

***

 

The world was spinning. Why...? He felt pain, someone had punched him - in the jaw and in the stomach, it seemed like. There was blood, he could taste it in his mouth.

  
That's right - he had run ahead, yet again, recklessly, and now he was facing the consequences of his own stupidity.

  
"Fuck!" Gavin exclaimed, and he blindly kicked to the air. All it did was make Gavin fall over, hurting his back also in the process. He was seeing stars in the dim darkness of the abandoned storage-house they were in. He rolled over and got up, swinging his fists at his attacker - attackers? There were three of them, he realized. He also didn't have his gun anymore, which was less than fucking ideal.

  
Maybe Richard was onto something with that shit about stress.

  
"Hey, what the fuck?!" Gavin yelled as someone big and heavy entered his vision, and basically kicked one of his attackers unconscious in one move. The two other assailants yelled something in a language Gavin did not understand nor recognize, and started to run away. "Aw hell no!"

  
But before he really could do anything about it - grab his gun, run after them, even just fucking move - Richard was off, borderline bashing the suspected drug-dealers' heads in with well-coordinated moves, that left his partner speechless. It wasn't a good thing. Gavin had seen him be violent toward other androids, even humans - but this was different. Richard seemed on the edge. Impatient.

  
The android turned around, and Gavin's entire being jerked in an unpleasant way. Richard's eyes were practically glowing in the dark, icy and harsh lanterns aimed directly at Gavin. His lips were pursed together into a thin line. His LED was blue. It shouldn't have been.

  
He raised two fingers to it.

  
"This is RK900 #313 248 317 - 87, partner of Police Detective Gavin Reed," he informed someone on the other end of a call, all the while maintaining eye contact with said partner. "We request backup and paramedics to our location. There are dangerous criminals unconscious at the scene, as well as approximately fifty kilograms of various types of narcotics. Thank you."

  
Richard, out of nowhere, was suddenly grabbing his arm, making the man hiss in discomfort.

  
"Hey, that hurts, asshole!"

  
"You should have listened to me when I told you to stay behind."

  
"Let me go! Don't fucking touch me!"

  
"You promised not to take irresponsible actions all on your own!" Now Gavin knew what was off. Richard had raised his voice. He'd never done it before - not like this, so full of anger and something desperate. He was dragging Gavin out of the building, into the blinding sunlight and fresh snow. Gavin squinted. The android practically threw him into the outdoors, to the vast nothingness that surrounded them. They were on the edge of the city, nothing was here beside the road and the snow.

  
"Fuck you!" he snarled, grabbing at the place Richard had squeezed his arm. Breathing was becoming harder and harder every single second.

  
"You promised me, Gavin!" Richard yelled. Anger and fear bubbled inside Gavin. Blood was slowly dripping out of his mouth, flooding his fractured throat with an unpleasant warmth. "God, I...! What is your problem with me? Did I do something wrong? I thought that after that night there was-... we could-... _Why do you hate me so much?!_ "

  
Gavin bent over, and a whole sprig of lilacs fell to the snow. The blood that flowed out of his mouth painted the pure, white ground a miserable red. He gasped for air, and choked on another natural bouquet. His lungs were heaving and aching, his brain fuzzy due to the lack of oxygen. It felt like someone was stabbing thin knives between his ribs, like his skin could just crack open any time now.

  
Richard had stopped yelling. Gavin didn't want to look up, but he did anyway. Smearing the blood on his mouth, he met the android's gaze. Richard was staring at him, eyes wide and full of horror, mouth slightly open, and for once, completely at a loss of words.

  
"What... who...? Why didn't you tell me?" his voice almost got lost in the howling wind. Gavin spat, tiny little blood-redded petals mixing with the dirty snow.

  
"Because it's none of your fucking business."

  
"No, Gavin," Richard snapped, and he sounded so broken, "it is my fucking business. You are my partner – my friend –, and you are in pain! And you hid it from me – how could you do that?"

  
"I could deal with it."

  
"It's stage four hanahaki disease, you cannot just 'deal with it'! _Fuck!_ " Richard ran a hand through his perfect hair in frustration. Something snapped inside of Gavin.

  
"And since when do you care, huh?" he shouted back, words dripping with venom. "Since when do androids know _anything_ about love?"

  
And suddenly, everything fell silent. Richard, mouth slightly open, stared at Gavin with such a look of pain and heartbreak on his face – it spoke a thousand words and yet Gavin heard none of them. The man turned his back on his partner, cursed loudly into the wind, then got into his car and drove away, leaving the other alone in the icy storm.

  
It felt a lot like he also left his aching heart there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Richard swearing is so fucking valid
> 
> Also, if it wasn't clear (because reading back I'm not sure if it is) poor Richie does not realize he's the one making our garbage son suffer. Yet :D I also realized I need to work on my fight scenes, because,,, yeah...  
> Next chapter is the last, and it's fucking looong alright, gonna take some time to edit, just hang in there fam
> 
> Also!! I have a tumblr now dedicated to writer stuff!! [Hmu](https://forgiveme-not.tumblr.com/) if you want some sneak peaks of what I'm working on, or to procrastinate writing with me, or to just chat or something :'D


	6. Magenta

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Lilacs in this dark, reddish color is associated with passion, love and the sheer thrill of being alive, especially after surviving a harrowing experience."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Never in my wildest dreams did I think this fic would receive such positive reactions. I am so grateful for y'all <3
> 
> Let's finish this mess

Gavin Reed thought a lot about how he would die.

  
He had lots of opportunities to do think 'this is it. This is how I go out,' and each time after he woke up in a hospital bed he had plenty of time to reflect on his near-death experiences. And over time, he had learned to deal with it. A bullet to the head; a knife to the heart; none of these concepts really scared him anymore.

  
But he never thought that he would die like this.

  
He was sitting out there in the cold, in the small, cemented alley that the DPD had labeled as 'smoking area', with an unlit cigarette between his fingers. He thought that if he was going to die anyway, he might as well try smoking the flowers out first. Still, he took his sweet time with it. He stared absentmindedly at the grey wall across from him, while he twirled the cigarette between his fingers.

  
Today was... rough. He showed up to work like nothing had happened, and so did Richard; they both did their work alongside each other without saying a word. Of course, he spoke to Tina and to a couple others, to give them the reports on yesterday's events, but he didn't spare so much as a glance towards Richard. Still, he could feel the android staring at him from time to time. He felt like dying, and that didn't have to do anything with the flowers eating away at his lungs.

  
The backdoor to the smoking area opened and closed. Gavin took the unlit cigarette between his lips, but didn't look up. A pair of dress shoes hesitantly stepped next to him, and someone in a white jacket sat down to the pavement. And then there was silence again.

  
"Don't act like I don't know exactly what you were doing all day," Gavin finally murmured. Richard shifted a little next to him. "Youw're scanning me all day. Tryna figures out who it is."

  
No response. Guilty as charged, Gavin thought, as he bit back a cough.

  
"Humor me. What would ya do to them, if you figured it out? Beat them up for not loving me back?"

  
Richard took a deep breath, which Gavin knew he didn't need. I meant he was hesitating.

  
"I thought that I would perhaps... point out the benefits of dating you to them. People seem to think that you're a massive asshole, and while at first glance that seems to be accurate, it actually isn't all that true."

  
Gavin took the cigarette into his hands again, as he waited for the other to continue.

  
"You're smart, and inventive, and handsome. You have really good logic, and an honest soul behind all those walls you put up. And you have a god-awful taste in fashion," Gavin huffed out something similar to a laugh, "but a pretty good taste in music, and... and..."

  
"What, you ran out?" Gavin bickered, as he turned to face the other, but his heart was already bursting with a sorrowful kind of joy. He met Richard's soft gaze, two shades of grey locking with each other.

  
"And you're important." It sounded so much like a confession, pained and almost ripped from the other's throat, like it had been there, waiting to be said for too long. "So, horribly important to me. I cannot stand the thought of losing you. Not like this."

  
And then, in one simple moment of 'fuck it', Gavin placed a hand on the side of the android's face, and pulled him down.

  
Kissing Richard felt like taking a big gulp of fresh air for the very first time – the weight lifting off from his chest, his heart having all the space to jump around in it. The oxygen was sizzling in his bloodstream, sending all kinds of weird tingles all over his skin. And all of a sudden Richard was kissing him back and _it got better._

  
The whole thing quickly became an absolute clusterfuck of starved touches and sloppy kisses and murmured half-sentences of _"god you're such an idiot"_ and _"shut up Richard."_ Richard's big hands were all over him, trailing twisting paths of warmth on his body. He was close, and real, and _there,_ and so, so loving, holding the man firmly but gently at the same time, like he was something to be cherished, to be _loved._ And Gavin was happy, so unbelievably happy.

  
Once they pulled away to just look at each other, Richard was smiling the brightest, most beautiful smile Gavin had ever seen in his life. The android's thumb caressed his cheek softly, making Gavin sigh:

  
"Holy fuck, I'm high on oxygen."

  
"That's impossible," laughed Richard quietly, and it was probably the most beautiful sound in the entire world. Gavin hooked his fingers to best fit the curve at the other's neck, almost like he was holding onto this moment by doing so. He felt the most peaceful he did in years, fuck, maybe his entire life. He wanted this to last.

  
Richard's smile suddenly faded, and his expression became distant again. His LED flickered from blue to yellow to red, which made Gavin frown and straighten his back.

  
"What?"

  
"You were in so much pain because of me," Richard murmured, the tips of his fingers slowly grazing Gavin's cheeks. "I-, I should have noticed. I'm so sorry."

  
"Fuck, no," Gavin grabbed his partner's face with both hands, trying to meet his eyes again, "don't you fucking dare blame yourself, you hear me? You did nothing wrong. I was an ass. I should be the one apologizing."

  
"For putting your life in danger again, or for acting less than civil with me?" Richard's lips twitched back into a smile, and the tension in Gavin melted away once again. He let out an embarrassed little huff.

  
"Yeah, uh. Sorry about that." But Richard just shook his head and started kissing him again, this time planting little pecks on the other's lips at first, then on his nose, cheeks, eyelids, all over his face. It was such an innocent thing, that Gavin couldn't help but giggle. His heart was singing odes of joy under every touch of the other. Then Richard backed away once again, to look at the other's face, eyes searching, voice hesitant;

  
"Detective-... Gavin," his name rolled off his lips in a way that made Gavin shiver. "Can I ask you a personal question?"

  
"I mean, we were just making out, this shit's as personal as it gets, but shoot."

  
"The surgery..." And all of a sudden, Gavin's head was out of the clouds, and he was sitting on the cold concrete again. He groaned, while Richard continued: "You requested taking it twice, once in the very early stages of the disease. You're still scheduled to having it six days from today."

  
"You fucking went through my medical record?"

  
"Was it really that easy to let go of your feelings for me?"

  
Gavin reached up and pulled the android's hands away from his face. Richard watched silently as the man slightly turned away from his partner (lover?), but even though they were no longer facing each other, their arms were still touching. Gavin didn't mind.

  
"I... fuck, I was scared, okay? You, and I mean all of you androids – you may be alive or whatever, but you still never felt pain, and never will. You don't know how scary that shit is. I was scared of more of it. I've seen this stuff destroy people faster than any fucking illness I know."

  
"You had the disease before."

  
Gavin leaned a little further into the android. Richard waited patiently for his answer, while the man collected his thoughts, and began talking in a low voice;

"Her name was Gloria, and we were fourteen. She was my best friend. I knew she loved someone else. I almost died." Gavin rubbed at his chin, suddenly feeling completely overwhelmed. "I took the surgery, partially because my parents pressured me into taking it, and partially because... well, it was just the logical thing to do. Of course, she somehow learned what happened, and just, stopped talking to me. It might have been because of guilt, or because she wanted to protect her reputation, but... I started... pushing people away after that. Being alone seemed a lot better than being dead."

  
"Did you love her?"

  
"I guess." Gavin shook his head. "I don't know. I can't really remember. Must be the side effects or something."

  
That's when Gavin realized Richard had put an arm around him sometime during his monologue; a comforting gesture he didn't know he needed. He leaned into the touch somewhat hesitant, then frowned, and turned to look the other square in the face.

  
"Okay, now's my turn to ask. What the fuck was that about in the break room? You calling me a petty child behind my back and talking about getting reassigned..."

  
Richard's pretty eyes widened.

  
"How do you know about that?"

  
Gavin huffed.

  
"I might have... eavesdropped..."

  
"That's... honestly, why am I surprised," Richard laughed, but it sounded awkward. "I sincerely apologize. I didn't mean for you to hear it."

  
"Well, obviously..."

  
"I don't really have an excuse other than that I felt," Richard paused for a second, searching for a word that could best describe his emotions, "sort of betrayed when you started being distant with me again. You complain when something's upsetting you, so I thought I would do the same."

  
What a stupid fucking situation. Such a petty misunderstanding - and all of it could have been avoided if they just talked. Richard stayed in silence for a couple seconds, then spoke again:

  
"Would it help if I told you how guilty I felt afterward?"

  
Gavin considered it.

  
"A little," he said, then shook his head with a bitter little smile. "Honestly, it's almost funny."

  
"What is?"

  
"Nevermind. Just kiss me again, you idiot."

 

***

 

Gavin stepped out into the uncomfortably clean waiting room of the hospital. The lights were harsh and made his eyes itch. He squinted, and searched for his companion with his gaze. Not that missing a six-foot-tall android would be easy.

  
Richard stood up almost immediately once he saw Gavin, and made his way over to him quickly. _Can't be too hard if you have legs going on for days_ , Gavin thought.

  
"How did it go?" Richard asked. Gavin cleared his throat awkwardly, and averted his gaze from the other's face.

  
"They, uh," Gavin shook the little yellow bottle in his hand, "gave me some pills, said they would help with like, the waste that's left in my body after the flowers naturally died or whatever. But otherwise, they said I'm good."

  
Richard nodded, and without a warning, he drew the man into a warm embrace. Gavin blinked. He didn't even feel the tears forming in his eyes, nor his throat clenching up; without any warning, he just started crying. His sobs were loud and ugly but Richard just held him closer, supporting his entire weight so Gavin could just sink into him with his whole being. There might have been people staring at them, but Gavin couldn't bring himself to care. He just felt so overwhelmed with relief, so full of it that it just spilled. He didn't even realize how tense he became in the previous weeks, only now, that all of the tension was gone from his body, did he truly feel how sore he became in such a short amount of time.

  
It was indescribable, standing there, living, breathing, holding his partner like that. Richard's fingers stroked the little hairs on his neck.

  
"Let's go home," he whispered into the man's ear, once his sobs silenced down. Gavin nodded.

  
"Let's."

 

***

 

He was pressed up against the wall in one not-so-smooth movement. Gavin hit the back of his head, but the groan it caused got lost on Richard's lips. Their kisses were deep and needy this time, like they didn't have eternity at their hands – like there was any need for such hurried motions.

  
The adrenaline was throbbing in his veins, the sheer thrill of being alive alone made him want to shout, and then Richard touched him and all of a sudden he wanted to scream for a very different reason. The whole thing was messy and steamy but so alive, and Gavin just wanted to smile until his face started hurting, because he hasn't felt this good in forever.

  
He never wanted this to end.

 

***

 

Gavin was getting stares at work. He couldn't understand why - he couldn't have possibly known how creepy it was for everyone how he went from 'look at me and I'll bite your fucking arm off' to 'no, it was my fault I should totally have watched where I was going, have a nice day' over a weekend. But since it was change for the better, everyone quickly let it go.

  
There were a couple of people who actually picked up on what was up though - one of them was, of course, Tina Chen. She caught Gavin in the break room where they had their usual afternoon coffee.

  
"You were so sour these past weeks I seriously thought there was something going on, but," Tina shrugged, "guess you just needed to get laid."

  
"Very funny, yeah," Gavin growled, as he poured a tiny bag of sugar into his coffee.

  
"Was it good tho?" Okay, she was just teasing now. "I mean, sex androids are supposed to be good at sucking dick, I get that, but he's a-"

  
"Oh my god, do you ever shut up?" Gavin turned his head toward the ceiling and Tina burst into laughing.

  
"But you _are_ fucking him tho, so, that's a thing I need to get used to. I mean, it's only, what, four o' clock? And I've already seen you two dreamily stare into each other's eyes or some shit like, six times. Seriously guys, professionalism? Ever heard of her?"

  
"We do not do that."

  
"Uh, yes you do."

  
" _We do not_."

  
They did. So much so that Hank snapped at them after a while:

  
"Ew, seriously guys? Right in front of my android?" But then proceeded to have a smile on his face for the rest of the day, and when he thought no one was there to witness, muttered a quick "It's good to have you back," towards Gavin. (Gavin felt pretty creeped out by that, and was delighted when Anderson went back to insulting him in a few days.)

  
Fowler was more than pleased with their work progress in the following weeks (meaning he yelled at them less and let them leave a couple of hours earlier on Fridays). Once they got over their problems that were born from a lack of communication, they became invincible both on the field and in their personal life. Of course, life still wasn't perfect. But if you survive something like love, there are very few things that could do any harm to you.

  
Everything was fine.

 

***

 

It was on much, much later, when Gavin, after a night spent with deep laughs and lazy kisses, noticed something was off. He frowned, and reached out, to touch Richard's face, who was sitting on the opposite end of the couch, a relaxed smile plastered on his lips.

  
"Where's your LED?" he asked, his fingers grazing over the android's temple. Surely, the little glowing ring was no longer there, and Richard's skin was ever-so-slightly imperfect to the touch. Richard's smile turned sheepish. There was an interesting tint to his face, which could have been caused by the dim lights, but could have been something entirely else. He reached into the breast pocket of his black shirt, and pulled something tiny out. He held out his other hand, as if asking for Gavin's. The man gave him a confused look, but complied.

  
"Here," Richard said. He placed the object onto Gavin's palm, and closed his fingers around it. It felt like a tiny piece of plastic. Gavin's eyes widened. He drew back, and stared at the object.

  
"This...!"

  
The LED.

  
"I'd like you to have it." Richard kept stroking his hand in slow circles, looking at him with a warm glow behind his eyes. "Gavin, you... have made me feel so alive. More than anything, or anyone I've ever known. You showed me what it's like to be human."

  
Gavin stared at him, completely speechless. He squeezed the LED in his hand. Richard was beginning to look nervous.

  
"Fuck you," Gavin blurted out. "You're going to make me cry, goddamit. You're gonna ruin my reputation."

  
Richard laughed. Gavin laughed too, but he had to wipe his eyes.

  
"Jesus, I... I don't know what to say."

  
"You don't have to say anything," Richard leaned forward. "Just take it. And promise you'll love me forever."

  
Gavin' throat clenched up. He took his lover's face with his free hand, and kissed him, long and sweet and honest. There was the slightest taste of wine on his lips, and Richard kissed it off like it was his duty to analyze every fiber of Detective Gavin Reed's scarred lips. Gavin held the tiniest part of Richard in one hand, his face in the other, and against the lips that might have been mechanical but belonged to a living person, he whispered;

  
"I promise."

  
And he knew, this one, he would keep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is intended to be a band-aid on the wounds I have opened throughout this fic. Tbh I enjoyed making Gavin suffer :) but the fluffy scenes were a delight to write, especially because they turned out great, considering I'm not really good at writing fluff :') So yeah, there you have it! Gavin finally quits being a pussy, Richard showers him in love and affection (and then probably fucks him until he's a pretty little crying-begging mess :)) and they live happily ever after
> 
> EDIT: I went back and fixed some embarrassing mistakes, there weren't too many changes but in case someone re-reads it, they might notice some sentences or words being different.
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed this ride! And I hope to see you again sometime, in another fic :)
> 
> ((if you want to be updated on the junk i'm working on, i recommend checking out my [tumblr](https://forgiveme-not.tumblr.com/) because i like to rant to strangers on the internet about stuff i'm doing))


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